[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.