why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
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My love language is hissing.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
#parenting
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely