The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
A drum solo but on your face.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume