Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
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Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real