Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
That eye roll….
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”