i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
crying
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
my proudest tweet
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Worst Native American name ever.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok