Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking