Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
August 8
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*