Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
A choir of Spring onions
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Fight
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”