Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*