Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
You Might Also Like
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.