[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
i think we should see other cousins
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
me when somebody idk start touching me
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.