CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual