A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.