Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself