Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)