*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
even bears disappoint their mothers
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon