Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Mhm.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home