Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
😲 WTF? 😆
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”