[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Dear Lord..
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
This is Sparta
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops