Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.