Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Crying is a sign of leakness.