*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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Never let them know your next move 😂
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude