Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.