I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk