My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray