[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen