Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*looks at you in batman voice*