You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat