the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood