i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
bias laundering edition
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people