therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
umm…
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy