*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.