You Might Also Like
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.