Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Living the best life.. 😊
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
become ungovernable