Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.