Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
i wish we could shoplift online
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.