*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?