aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
DOOO EEEET
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.