Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
bias laundering edition
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????