My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?