I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Natural selection at its finest
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.