Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
pep talk
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE