Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You Might Also Like
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
There’s no “u” in narcissist
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.