It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
You Might Also Like
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.