Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Lmbo
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!