Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.