“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
what
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.