*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.