The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]